The “oldest”. The most responsible leader. It’s crazy to me that I gave this role to my baby. I see my Cartier next to Elli, my youngest. And he looks so incredibly grown up. But when he’s alone, I see this tiny little baby. Just 3 months ago, he WAS my baby. My whole entire heart, universe and everything. I never loved anyone like I love Cartier.
My first boy, my first true love. I get a little sad sometimes that he doesn’t have all the love he’s used to. I may not have all the patience I used to. I can’t play as much, or read as much. It hurts when I think of how much I changed his life. Because he’s still young enough to not fully understand that babies need a lot of love and attention. As does he.
I want more than anything to not be tired, to have more hours in the day, to have so much more patience. But when you have a itty bitty 3 month old, you can’t lose your patience with him, he’s just a sweet innocent baby. And when you have a 4 year old who just wants your attention and screams at you, you think “he should know better” and that’s where your patience runs out.
My dear first born, I’m sorry I’ve changed everything you’re used to. One day this will be your new normal. One day your little brother will be your best friend. And maybe in a few years, you’ll be happy to have a playmate instead of being alone.
Remember, you’ll always be the person who made me a mom. You made me who I am, and I love you so much more than I could ever express. You are the most important person. I didn’t take love away from you to give to your brother, my heart just doubled in size to love you both the same. You’re wonderful and smart and my whole reason for wanting to have more babies. You’ve showed me a whole new life, Cartier. My number 1.