Find my peace

I’m so used to being abandoned. I’ve survived a lot. But it hurts when it’s someone you have come to love for years. Hey, but I can handle my two dads leaving, why not you?

Our timing has never been right. Things were constantly going wrong, maybe it’s not in the stars. I still have hope, which is such a dangerous thing to have.

I want to find my peace but it’s hard when it ended the way it did. Lots of things left unsaid. It was all in the timing this time, I know it.

I had no idea what to say or do, honestly. My validation was, the last person you’d want to see or hear from is the person who has what you had. The person who can celebrate what YOU wanted to celebrate. I’m sorry, I couldn’t find the right words to say. I’m sorry you didn’t want to hear from me and you left. It was all wrong. I shouldn’t have been able to celebrate while you were grieving. But, life is funny. It was almost like a test for us and we failed miserably.

At the end, it’s no one’s fault. We both have feelings that are valid. I felt one way, you another and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t believe there’s any “fault” in this situation, just that it ran its course and it went as far is it could. Not being friends is okay with me. But I don’t want to be enemies.

You try to be there for people even if you don’t know how to help. Sometimes people don’t want you to be there for them. I almost feel like if I said anything…I’d be rubbing my life in their face.

I didn’t expect you to be happy for me. But we all have struggles we keep inside. And I was drowning in the dark too, I wanted your help. But we don’t need two people gasping for air.

In hindsight, as much as I wanted you in my life, we didn’t belong. Not then. Not now, probably not ever.

You pushed me far away. I wanted to be there so bad but you didn’t even want to talk. I understand the need for space, especially for you during a time like this. We were going through the exact opposite. Why would you want me in your life, right? Every single day you saw me or spoke to be, you’d be reminded of what was so wrongfully taken.

At first, I understood. You want space, you don’t want to talk to me. I’m the last person on Earth you want to see. There’s nothing harder than what you’re going through. And I can’t relate. You probably hate me. And there’s nothing I could do. How do you tell someone “I’ll always be there for you” when they don’t even want to speak to you? Maybe you need another week. Maybe another month? Until I couldn’t do it anymore.

Then came the bitterness, I didn’t do anything wrong. You pushed me away, I told you!

“Please, whenever you want to talk to me again I will be here”

And you never did. You moved further and further away. I saw other people coming and going but I never saw you wanting me in your life like them. You seemed happier with others. That’s okay. At least you found happiness, I told myself. Maybe you don’t want me in your life because I can’t give you what they give you. They can distract you while all I would do is remind you.

But honestly, it hurt. I cried. Losing people always hurts. I was the reminder of what you could’ve had. It wasn’t my fault. You left me. And I try to understand. I really really do. But I never will. I can’t. I don’t feel what you feel.

I think if the roles were switched, even if it hurt me to be around you, I don’t ~think~ I would’ve abandoned you that way. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings and every right you have to feel what you did. I felt like anything I could’ve said or did would’ve been wrong. I was walking on eggshells. There wasn’t a single right thing to say. And even if there was, I knew you didn’t want to hear it from me.

I wish I could’ve told you about me. I was so overjoyed, I couldn’t even begin to tell anyone because I’m ashamed but yes, I wanted this for so long. And I couldn’t share my incredible happiness and joy with you. It would’ve been so mean. It’s so wrong. Like rubbing salt in the wound. I would’ve felt like…maybe you’d think I’m bragging…It wasn’t right.

Maybe keeping my distance until your ready will help. But it never did. You were never ready. And I was. And I know, it’s selfish. And you’re allowed to feel what you felt. You’re allowed not to be happy for anyone. You’ve been through it. I can’t even apologize enough for what happened.

All I can say is I wish you were there for me (selfishly) I wish you could’ve celebrated with me but it felt so wrong to even try to say anything. And well, I also wish I could’ve been enough for you to want to keep me around.

3 months later, and I knew it. You weren’t coming back. I have to erase you…from my heart, my mind. And everywhere else. Because the most exciting thing that can happen is about to happen to me!! And sharing it with you when we’re like this feels wrong. It’s felt wrong for months.

I thought I should’ve erased you long ago, because each time I shared anything about this beautiful blessing, I felt that same twinge of guilt. A small pain every time. Should I even be sharing this with everything that has happened to you? What kind of friend am I? It sucks to look back and feel like…I was in the wrong. For something I couldn’t control.

I should’ve enjoyed it more. I feel robbed. Trying to keep you from thinking I’m too happy and rubbing it all in made me feel like a shitty person. It took three months. Then I decided. I wouldn’t think about you anymore. I’m not sure how long you needed to be away from me but three months….I wanted YOU to be happy for me.

Why is life so damn unfair? You didn’t deserve this and I know deep in my heart, it broke you. I also needed to be happy, I can’t have this stress. I hate the thought of being selfish. But I didn’t know what else to do!! When someone pushes you away, you can’t linger on them forever.

It was my turn. I had to be happy. I had asked God for this for so long. I begged and pleaded. How could I not rejoice in his gift for me? He has blessed me with every thing I asked for. So I HAVE to be happy. For my son. For everything. For the boy I prayed for.

You left, you didn’t even look back. And from now on, I’m enjoying my life guilt-free. I deserve the happiness. You didn’t deserve anything tragic and awful that has happened and I am so sorry. I know one day you will be blessed 10 times over and even if I’m not there to see it, you deserve happiness too. We both do even if it’s not with each other.

We both deserve people that aren’t going to abandon us at our very highs to our very lows. It seems every time one of these occurs, you leave me and it’s hard for me to fight. When someone leaves, it’s because they don’t care anymore.

And why should I keep fighting for someone who clearly doesn’t want me anymore? I always feel like this whirlwind of us was never meant to happen. It always comes crashing down and it hurts more and more each time. I do miss you, I won’t lie to myself. But with all that’s happened, it’s too late for an “I’m sorry things have happened to you and I don’t know how to be there for you.”

Honestly, all I ever want is for you to be happy. I’m sure you are now. And I’m so happy you’re happy. That’s what you deserve. Even if it’s not with me. I may make you miserable for all I know. So if you’ve reached this amazing beautiful happiness now that I’m gone, I know this was for the best.

This painful experience happened to us so you can reach pure bliss without me. And that’s how it was meant to be. We’re happier without each other, I guess. I want you to know that I never stopped praying for you and your family. I only want good things for you. Because while we were still in this life together, we were good. You were so good to me. So when I go to bed, I pray that you get all that you want and only blessing from now on.

I am at peace now. In this chaotic world, I have to be. For myself. I am the peace I need. I hope you have found yours. There’s a lot of “I’s” in here. My mind and my heart have been holding this one in for a while. And I wish I could hear what you feel since this is all my side. But I think I’m at peace giving you my piece, even if I know you’ll never read it.


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