Everything I write here, I write in confidence. I don’t expect it to ever get far out into the world and I definitely don’t expect my boys to find this blog whenever they’re old enough to look their mom up haha.
Sometimes I feel this guilt like I haven’t done enough for my oldest. I feel like I had a lot of patience for being only 20 when he was born. I fell unexpectedly pregnant at 19. I was met with a lot of challenges as a new young mom. From the beginning, he wasn’t an easy baby. I remember constant, inconsolable crying. I took him to the doctor constantly his first year because I thought something was wrong. It wasn’t until he was 18 months that the word autism got brought up.
While it was absolutely terrifying and sometimes it still is because we don’t know what the future holds, I think we handled it well. But sometimes I feel like I wasn’t good enough. I know I tend to be hard on myself and before my Ellis, I think I did a pretty good job with my oldest when he was little.
But Ellis. He was not unexpected. He was wanted for a very long time. And he is the happiest little dream of a baby. He smiles constantly, he only gets upset when he’s hungry. I’ve only taken him in to the doctor for his wellness checkup. Sometimes I find myself thinking about how much I’m enjoying this tiny boy and I feel guilt.
Why didn’t I enjoy my Cartier? I know at that point I loved him so fiercely with everything I have. But I was so exhausted and scared. I was constantly worried about him crying so much. About him not meeting his milestones. I always felt like I was doing something wrong as a mom. I know I had all the love and patience in the world for my tiny dude but I also felt like I was ever relaxed, or confident in my parenting since I was so young and doubting my every move.
I love Cartier with all my heart. He’s the most magnificent child I’ve ever met. He has so much love to give. He makes me laugh so hard. He loves us both so fiercely. As a baby, he hates hugs, kisses and cuddles. Now as a big kid, he’s ALWAYS hugging and kissing me. He’ll kiss my shoulder when I’m laying down, sometimes he’ll come up while I’m cooking and kiss my leg. He is always wanting to love us and be loved. Baby Cartier has nothing to do with this amazing 4 year old.
Now with my Ellis, I don’t feel nervous or scared. I’m confident in my abilities because I see what an awesome kid our oldest turned out to be. I’m not too caught up in milestones this time. I’m less stressed. He’s a lot easier. It feels right. He loves to be hugged and kisses and carried and he loves to be played with and he doesn’t cry for hours. He’s a lousy sleeper, that’s for sure but I wake up happy to feed him ~ every ~ 2 hours.
I think maybe expecting the worse this second time around made me be a bit more prepared for a tough baby. So whenever we didn’t get that, it has felt like a breeze. I’m still exhausted splitting my time with these two, but it’s the most beautiful feeling. Everything just feels so right. Like my two boys were exactly what I was supposed to have. Everything feels complete.