The Past (Again)

How much of your past would you say influences you now?

I know everyone has a past, good, bad, traumatic. A lot of our parents and grandparents didn’t know what we do now. So I believe a lot of our generation is dealing with some form of mental instability.

Toxic behaviors are almost an impossible cycle to break.

Unfortunately, I was always the type to blame things that happened to me as a child for what I do now.

Maybe I am a little sensitive. Maybe I do care too much. I can learn to relax a bit.

As a teenager in middle school, I had friends I had known for years write me a really REALLY mean letter.

I am forgiving by nature, I still speak to them.

But I also think that’s what makes me hesitant to make friends. I’m scared of people. I don’t like them.

Is everyone going to be like that? No. Middle school kids are MEAN. Do I have trust issues now? Absolutely. I NEVER, in high school or college, hung out with ANYONE. People invited me to the movies, to get coffee, to hang out, to join prom/homecoming groups. I always declined. I stuck to 3 people, MAYBE.

Could this be my inability to move past something that happened as a teenager? Could I just be a complete and absolute introvert who doesn’t want friends? Could I ever actually try to be friends with people?

I don’t really care, I guess. It’s hard to have friends now.

I hate being invited to parties. I can’t stand being around too many people.

What is wrong with me? I do wonder if I had a different past, how would I have been now?

Can it all be blamed on the past? Or perhaps there’s something deeper in me that just doesn’t ever care. I mean, why should I at this point?

K✨

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