Mother Issues

They say when you have kids, you become closer to your mother because you see things differently. You’ve become a mother so now you see the things she did and you relate.

Having kids pushed me away from my mother. I see everything she did and didn’t do in a whole new light. I couldn’t imagine putting kids through what she put me through.

I will never have the guts to say things to her face so I’ll ask her on here.

Why did you let him scream and belittle me? Why did you just stand there when he called me stupid and an idiot?

Why did you stay quiet when he said I wasn’t going to amount to anything because I cried too much?

Why did you let him throw a chair at me in 3rd grade because I forgot to do my homework?

Why did you push me aside for all those years? Why did you let him treat me like the annoying stepdaughter?

Why didn’t you stop drinking? Why did you risk me and my sisters lives and drive us drunk? Seeing you get arrested was so traumatic. We were just kids.

Why did you constantly promise me you’d stop and then do it all over again? Why did you always say “fuck you bitch” to me and my 6 year old sister?

Why did you bring so many men home when we moved to Texas? Why couldn’t you go to your room to do your business? It was hard explaining to a 10 year old why your mom is having sex in the living room with a random man at 3 AM, drunk once again.

Why did you take $600 that I got from my quinceñera? You said you needed it for the rent but that was a lie. You always took from me.

Why did you make my boyfriend pay you for my mistake? You took all his earnings as a teenager just because you were greedy. And he did it because he loves me.

Why did I never see the monthly $400 my dad sent you for 6 years? You only bought yourself the newest clothes and left us to figure out what we were gonna eat for dinner.

Why did you always call me fat? You always said, I’m saying it because I love you and care about you. But that was a lie. You don’t destroy the self esteem of someone you love. Especially when they’re a kid.

Why did you charge my boyfriend and I rent? You don’t charge your kids to live with you. We paid our own food and essentials and never took away from you. But that’s why we got out of there as soon as I can.

Why do you always say we’re jealous of you? Why is the whole world always jealous of you? Why do you enjoy bragging to your kids so much?

I’m always scared one day I will need you. Because I don’t want to. I don’t know where life will take me but I’m scared that one day, I’ll have to live with you again and you’ll drag me into this toxic cycle where you just take and take and take.

I have to pay your bills, I have to apply for your jobs, I have to call to make your doctors appointments. I have to fix your internet. It’s always me. You always need me. And when I don’t give, you don’t talk to me.

It’s never ending. But what you did give me is a good example of what I don’t want for my own kids. So thank you for that.

K

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