I try my best to be everything for everyone, I tend to exclude myself.
I worry so much that everyone is okay and safe and their mental health is always well.
I constantly check up on people. Back in late middle school, early high school, I had my first bout of depression. I seriously felt like I’d rather die than live this life. I didn’t know anyone, no one knew how to comfort me. I remember begging my mom to let me stay home for a year. I downed 10 Tylenol’s at one point. I’ve been low. I have been so low. I still have scars. I KNOW what it’s like to feel alone and like you’re drowning. But you’re also so numb. Nothing phases you. It doesn’t even hurt, you’re just there.
So when I detect a tiny bit of stress and emotions from someone I am THERE. I am terrified of someone near to me not being able to handle the pain. I want everyone to know that I love them and I want them here, with me forever.
It just sucks when you’re related to someone with destructive tendencies. Someone’s who always on an emotional rollercoasters, from incredible highs to incredible lows. It always has me on edge. I want to help in every way. I can’t let it affect my home life. I can’t always be there, and it kills me. I wish so much that I could be superwoman and be enough.
I get scared sometimes. I want to keep everyone in my little safe bubble and show them how valuable and loved they are. I wish there wasn’t such a taboo against mental health. I wish parents didn’t laugh off or get angered when we said we don’t feel good.
If you’re reading this and ever feel so low, remember you are worthy of so many beautiful things. You have to continue to write your story, no one else can write it for you. I am here. I know what it’s like. I promise you, I know the feeling so well. It haunted me for years. It still does sometimes. You can be so happy yet so utterly alone sometimes. But just know that even if you don’t know me, I will always be here.